I am

the tree in the forest

In this house that i call home

I have been pre-approved to buy the house I live in.

I have made an offer to the current owner, and it appears we can come to terms.

With a lot of the futzing around with lenders and banks seemingly handled, the scenario makes me a little sad.

Partially, because I once ramped up emotionally to buy a home with the woman I wanted to share my life with. And that came apart.

So even progress in so-called quality of life is fraught with tender feelings, I guess.

dreams of agents and parking at the drag races

Somehow I ended up having lunch in a dimly-lit restaurant with a literary agent I fired last summer. Even though I found this person to be a hindrance instead of a help, the fact that she entered my dreamspace is a reminder on how much effort it is to work outside the system.

I also dreamed that Roy and JD had gotten ahold of a decrepit, beater motor home and took it to the drag races. I had scammed on VIP tickets and parking passes, and while attempting to negotiate traffic at a busy intersection at the track, the motorhome stalled.

While attempting to re-fire it, it created quite a scene.

dreams of sex and death

Two nights ago, while lying on a bed in a motel room in Death Valley, I dreamt of fucking my girlfriend from a couple of years ago. I was entering her from behind, a position she didn't seem to really care for, if memory serves. But she was enjoying it in this dream, and we were both into it and talking dirty to each other. When our rhythm got really in a groove, my cock slipped out. We lost momentum, but I re-entered her and we tried to get back to where we were.

After the interruption, however, it was not as great. It is never is.

I also dreamt of a blonde I know, and with whom I had a brief, torrid affair.

Then I dreamt of a Chinese-Argentinian gal with whom I envisioned spending time in a hotel bed in Furnace Creek. That may even come to fruition.

Last night, while driving back from Death Valley to Los Angeles, I heard on the radio that Hunter S. Thompson shot himself.

I got home at 1 in the morning, after not blinking for four hours and missing a turn in Ridgecrest, which made the drive a half hour longer.

Upon sleeping in my bed, I dreamt of my friend Ikky having committing suicide and i was dispatched to claim the body. (Ikyy died in real life a couple of years ago.) The body was not in the house, but buried under a mound of dirt outside somewhere. Ikky's old girlfriend told me she recognized his body from his toes, which were sticking out from the mound of dirt.

sick

I have been too ill with a bastard of a cold to do any cycling.

This -- more than anything -- explains why I have been feeling depressed.

Sheesh. I was tempted to write "blue" as the adverb. "Depressed" is a far better word than "blue," no?

Interestingly, knowing which word to use for "depressed" makes one less so...

Knowing that one can climb back on a bike in a day or two also makes one less, ermm, "blue."

*****

My last ex-girlfriend is getting married. After teasing me with hints, she insisted upon telling me about the engagement, even though I let her know I was completely debilitated and was not in the mood to hear such news just yet.

I wrote her back and wished her well. I signed it "xo"

She wrote back to ask I refrain from using "xo," as we are just friends.

I used it to be polite and magnanimous. The truth is I am very glad someone else is marrying her -- I am relieved it ain't me.

Honestly, the cheekiness of some people.

the wrong move

I am starting to find Valentine's Day as throat-tightening and oppressive as Xmas.

I want to send her an e-mail wishing her a Happy Valentine's Day, but I know that would be completely the wrong move. For all I know, she is married now or at least has a boyfriend.

To send her a Valentine's greeting would undoubtedly be the wrong move.

Something being completely the wrong move has never stopped me from doing it before, but I'll probably have restrained myself on this occasion.

Probably.

Time

 We haven't been together since January of 2003. Even making it that far was a struggle. But I have not been the same person since.

I miss her. Sometimes terribly. And I get older every day. And the possibility of attaining the same sense of romance and transcendence seems more fleeting every day.